


STREET SMARTS!

by xxbunnykissesxx



Category: The Umbrella Academy (TV)
Genre: Crack, Mentions of Rape, Mentions of Violence, based on street smarts by john mulaney, but like if you want to read it as fiveya thats fine, fives like 13 in this one so not fiveya, i ship fiveya so like, im not your boss, mentions of rapists
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-11-12
Updated: 2020-11-12
Packaged: 2021-03-09 21:20:53
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,066
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27522943
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/xxbunnykissesxx/pseuds/xxbunnykissesxx
Summary: Five teaches Vanya what to do when (not if) she meets a rapist.
Relationships: Number Five | The Boy & Vanya Hargreeves
Comments: 16
Kudos: 76





	STREET SMARTS!

**Author's Note:**

> This immediately went to the top of my ideas pile even tho i have one thats 2/3 done

After seeing her entire family together for the first time in 20 years, Vanya was thoroughly exhausted. She knew that she was on bad terms with her siblings, but it had been easier to ignore when she herself had been ignored. Walking into that house had been confirmation of what was truly broken. But at the very least something good had come of it. Five was back, and the decades-long pain of his absence had finally subsided. It would be a relief to be able to forget about the 

"I could be a rapist." 

Vanya stared blankly at the boy sitting in her chair who stared back at her as if he was the one who belonged in the apartment 

"I'm not, but I could have been. Do you even know what to do if a rapist tried to attack you?" Five leaned forward in the chair. He was judging her for being surprised that he broke into her apartment. Vanya crossed her arms in front of her chest. For fortification or comfort she couldn't tell.

"I have some pepper spray." His incredulous expression told her that the answer was unsatisfactory in every way. Her arms pressed tighter against her ribs. Five pressed his palms against his forehead and heaved a heavy sigh before standing up and walking towards her. 

"You grew up in an apocalypse cult and the only protection you have is pepper spray?" He should have already known the answer to that; Dad never let her near the training areas. "Did you ever even get the 'stranger danger' talk? You know what? Don't answer that." The boy came to a stop in front of her, drawing himself up in a way that commanded attention despite his lack of height. "Tip one: Stranger Danger! Everybody is your enemy. You kill them before they kill you." Five paused and Vanya gave him a little nod. It was easier to just go through this his impromptu lesson than hearing about it until she caved.

"Tip two: Use your environment. What in this apartment do you see that can be used to fight off a rapist." He gestured around the room, no doubt cataloguing potential weapons for his own personal use. Vanya picked up the first heavy object she could find. A Yellow Pages phone book.

"There are better options, but let's explore this one. You could beat them over the head with this, if you're lucky they could have blunt force trauma, or, if it's dark enough, you could throw it. The rapist will confuse it for you. It's a misdirect." He threw the book to the side, done with it for now.

"While they're distracted, you get them from the other side. They won't see you coming. Now you've thrown the rapist off their rhythm." 

"And then I use my pepper spray."

"If you have your pepper spray, then yes, use it. Do you have it now?" Vanya's eyes searched for the bag that held the spray until she remembered that she had left it near her bedside last night and didn't think she would need it for a funeral. Five seemed to already know the answer to his question and continued on with his instructions.

"You're too small to overpower them so what you do is you wrap your around their neck then take your thumb," He held up his thumb and in a swift motion jabbed it forward and bent it as far as he could, "and you impale them in the eye."

"What's stopping them from putting _their_ thumb in  _my_ eye?"

" _Your_ thumb in  _their_ eye."

"What do I do after I gouge their eyes out?"

"Avoid the police." Easier said than done. This she had been allowed to learn with the siblings, but in theory only, never in practice. She wondered how it would go now that she didn't have the Academy and all of it's funding to back her up.

"So if I ever meet a person who threatens me I should throw something at them-"

"If the situation allows." Five corrected her, because obviously throwing a Yellow Pages at a rapist is her go-to.

"Gouge their eyes out-"

"If you have an opening."

"And then not report the rapist-"

"Would-be rapist."

"To the police."

"Exactly. Now, if you can't get to the eyes-"

"Five, it feels like you want me to almost get raped and then fight them off."

"That's not the point. You can learn prevention anywhere, what I'm teaching is fool-proof techniques to ensure your safety when you meet a rapist."

"When?"

"I made my living in murder. I am a man most acquainted with misery. I can look at a child and _guess the price of their coffin_ . When I tell you that you are going to meet a rapist, you are  _going_ to meet a rapist." It was a little heart warming to hear worry soften the usual frantic agitation of his ranting voice. He genuinely wanted to help her out of the scenario that every girl imagined themselves in, wanted to give her every advantage against the assailants that that had yet to be encountered. He had always been protective of his family, and in all the time apart that had never changed.

"Maybe you could come by tomorrow. You could steal one of Diego's knifes on the way." Things could be different this time. She had burnt bridges with all of her other siblings, but he was here, despite everything. Her sole companion had returned when she was on the precipice of isolation, and as impossible as it was, still cared for her. She wouldn't let him go this time no matter how she had to cling to him.

"Tomorrow at 7:00. I have some things I need to take care of."

He strode to the door, swinging it open and stepping one foot out before hesitating in the doorway. He looked back at her with eyes full of swirling emotions.

"I lied. Tip one isn't Stranger Danger. It's the people you invite into your life. Friends and family and dates, but statistically acquaintances. Don't let anybody blind you. Street Smarts, Vanya." He gave her a tender smile and a two finger salute that she returned, and, despite the differences in her body, feeling once again like a thirteen year old being looked out for by her only friend.

"Street Smarts."

  
  


**Author's Note:**

> I had the idea of Five going full JJ Bittenbinder when i was about to go to bed and its been burning in my mind for the past 24 hours


End file.
